State Capitol

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Connecticut is pretty much the worst place in the entire world. You can’t throw a rock without hitting an article in the Atlantic or the Wall Street Journal about “What’s Wrong With Connecticut?

If you listen to the comment section of every local newspaper or TV station, t’s pretty much everything.

That’s right. Connecticut is now a postapocalyptic Hellscape ruled by sentient union pensions killing every man, woman, and child with taxes, led by the monstrous Dannel Malloy, the least popular Governor in the United States.

Yes, I really made this.

As far as I can tell, Connecticut’s chief exports are despair and complaining about Connecticut. Everyone here is just plotting their escape, whether it’s for the glitz and glamour of New York, or the cheap warmth of South Carolina.

Nobody wants to live here, which is weird, cause I feel like I’m surrounded by people.

Source: Wikimedia Commons and my own deranged mind

Sure, sure, I know that map looks like there’s people who are apparently living here of their own free will, but trust me, they want to leave. They just can’t because Malloy literally grabs the keys right out of their hands and throws it down the drain.

It’s like we somehow morphed the “thanks, Obama” concept into Malloy, except it’s not a joke. And you can tell, because Chaz and AJ on PLR started a GoFundMe to remove him, and there’s nothing funny about the Toxic Masculinity Duo.

Listen, I get it. Connecticut has real problems.

The cost of living is very high. We need to tackle a very serious, very long-term pension debt problem. We have massive wealth inequality. As US turns into more urban living, our cities struggle with systemic problems. Young people are leaving. There is going to be a painful belt-tightening.

But there’s a lot to love here, too. So let’s take a break from our Land of Steady Complaints and celebrate a few things about this state we actually, you know… like.

We’re No. 2! We’re No. 2! on the Human Development Index

If you don’t know, the Human Development Index is a way to measure the general well-being of societies using a combination of life expectancy at birth, educational attainment, and income per capita.

Granted, a lot of that income is sitting in the hedge funds of the Gold Coast, which skews the numbers. But I’m pretty sure none of those rich folks are living to 1,000, so the age expectancy thing is legit, as is education.

Crypt Keeper
Damnit, Ray Dalio.

It turns out, folks in Connecticut are actually relatively healthy, wealthy, and educated. Which gives us a much better vocabulary for insulting our state representatives.

We need to do better, of course. Especially in our cities, where outcomes are not nearly equal.

But No. 2 is pretty good! Second place right behind Massachusetts, and I’m confident if we included Not Driving Like Assholes, we’d be No. 1.

Four Real Seasons

Yep, that’s right. Connecticut has four distinct, beautiful seasons. The winters are cold, but not vicious, and you can actually enjoy the snow, unlike the slush-filled mess that is NYC.

(Winter in NYC is gorgeous for about 3.4 seconds before the humans ruin it.)

Shelton in Winter
Even the Valley is pretty in the snow!
Source: Creative Commons

Spring is a magnificent reprieve from winter, all cherry blossoms and blooming flowers and ugh do you have any Benadryl or what. Plus, the winter makes you appreciate finally being able to go outside and hike and enjoy the weather again.

Summer brings the Connecticut coastline, with its majesty and beaches. Sure, some of you beach snobs are all “I only go swimming in Rhode Island.” Not sure if you’ve heard, but the Atlantic Ocean is cold as hell.

Plus, I get that waves are fun, but so is lying around in the water without a care in the world.

Then, of course, there are the lobster rolls, served properly: hot and with butter. Unlike those Godless heathens in Maine (wtf is with the mayo, relax you psychopaths).

Lobster Roll
It’ll be the season before you know it!

Finally, there’s lovely autumn, with its hues and tourists and the smell of firewood in the air.

CT Landscape

“But Josh, I hate winter!” Cool, go to Florida, then. Do you know what body parts sweat during Florida summers? All of them. Florida is also full of Floridians, which is, you know… troubling.

“I’m California dreamin, Josh!” Does that mean you’re constantly stuck in traffic/on fire? Listen, if you want go down with California when the San Andreas fault finally dumps them into the ocean, by all means. I won’t stop you.

I’m just gonna chill here and wait for the Chinese global warming hoax to turn Connecticut into a retirement community.

Things Are Slowly Getting Better

Bad news sells, and boy do the news stations sell it in Connecticut. Every WTNH post on Facebook is just littered with comments from people saying, “Thanks, Malloy, I can’t wait to leave this tax-filled state!” (Though you’ll note they never actually leave.)

Anaya Sushi

Connecticut has had some rough patches, but we’ve also made some great progress in terms of social justice, economic inequality, and, of course, when you can buy booze.

Here’s just a few of the laws which have changed in the last 5-10 years which I think, personally, all pretty great:

  • Increased minimum wage from $7.65 to $10.10/hr
  • Decriminalized marijuana
  • Medical marijuana (though fairly restrictive in terms of which conditions are allowed)
  • Ban the Box allows ex-convicts a chance to actually get hired and start new lives
  • Second Chance Society allows former prisoners to find a healthy way back into society, especially for nonviolent crimes
  • Restricted magazines which carry more than 10 cartridges as well as required universal background checks after Sandy Hook

  • Seriously, what took that long?
  • Connecticut has started investing heavily in tech incubators in Hartford and New Haven in order to cultivate more tech talent
  • Abolition of the death penalty (I know some folks are for it, but personally, I think killing people is bad, which I know is controversial)
  • Hartford Line will increase train service between New Haven, Hartford, and Springfield

These are just a few of the changes we’ve experienced over the last 10 or so years. Not bad, right?

Sure, I’d love legal weed. And I think we’ll get there. Especially given how much money we need.

(In fact, if you live in a Republican district, now would be a great time to call your state legislators and demand legalization!)

Also, Pizza.

Pizza is basically the best thing in the universe and almost everyone else in the world sucks at it.

From Wikimedia Commons

Do Something About It.

Listen. Connecticut isn’t perfect. I get that.

The Baby Boomers fucked it all up and now they won’t shut up about how terrible it is and are calling us snowflakes for some reason.

But we can make this state what we want it to be. We can help rebuild our cities. We can take pride in creating new businesses and new performance spaces.

Every other week, I host a comedy open mic in New Haven. And it’s amazing. Seeing people from across all of Connecticut get up there and make something. To create something where there was nothing.

JP Dempsey's Open Mic
I made this! And I’m so sorry.

It fills me with more joy than I can tell you. It’s a tiny thing, but it’s something I made in my community.

And you can, too.

Now is the time to stop complaining and do something.

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  1. Came into this with hope of reading something decent; I was wrong. It’s this disconnected mindset that people are tired of here…and I’m not even from here. You seem like more of the problem than any of the solution, some of your previous entries reflect that. Just because you’re having a smug day, doesn’t mean you understand the root issues of Connecticut. No substance in this to sway anyone to appreciate Connecticut at all.

  2. Came into this with hope of reading something; decent; I was right. It’s the complaining mindset that people are tired of here…and I’m even from here. You seem like more about the solution than any of the problems, some of your previous entries reflect that. Just because you’ve done your homework and are having an objective day, it does mean you understand the root issues of Connecticut. Good substance in this to sway anyone to appreciate Connecticut.

  3. What a load of crap this was.
    Wow pizza and 4 seasons!!! If I could sell all my properties up here and move away from this hard work and money sucking dump I would tomorrow.

    1. Most all the ” public” beaches on Long Island sound are closed to non- residents or they don’t allow non- resident parking anywhere within a mile of the beach. These same coastal towns accept STATE money, paid by all state residents for beach maintenance and repairs.

  4. Typical liberal nonsense. You think this is great progress?….

    “Connecticut has had some rough patches, but we’ve also made some great progress in terms of social justice, economic inequality, and, of course, when you can buy booze.”

    Social justice? Income inequality? Buying beer on Sunday? You think that makes up for the every day blue collar
    citizen being taxed to death in this
    state? Because it doesn’t, not even a
    little bit. I would gladly trade a bus to
    nowhere that only drug dealers use (ask HPD and NBPD), spending money on nonsense art murals (1 million to some ridiculous project in Winchester), and subsidies and handouts to the intentionally jobless, for a little tax relief for those that actually do the right thing and go to work every day. Now Lamont wants to tax groceries and medication, and make everyone pay tolls on top of all this. Well….what do you expect when you elect a liberals. Thanks CT Democrats!!

  5. In Malloys first election votes were found in a closet and in a car trunk?

    In his second election the Bridgeport polls opened a half hour late so they remained open for two extra hours.

    In Lamonts election there was hanky lanky INRE New Haven ballots beefing wet a n d had to be hand counted.

    In every case just enough ballots are found to avoid a recount or protest.

  6. As I “bumped” into your site performing a search for “what is wrong with connecticut….”, MANY results came up, but just HAD to share my opinion….

    I have been in Connecticut most of my life – unwillingly of course…unable to afford to move….stuck here….dealing with the damn politicians who think they know it all and just produce piss-poor excuses for draining the constituents of this state because they won’t bite bullet that has supplied them with funding that they continue to drain from us…

    The bullet being the obvious – one of the smallest states in the nation with EVERY damn tax they could impose upon us because of greed and power – the politicians of this state seem to have the answers but NONE of them produce an answer that is acceptable to the people of this state except tax this and tax that…and then tax the taxes upon that tax….

    People are packing up and moving out….businesses (even large corporations) are packing up their bags and leaving…

    I, for one, am even victim to multiple state agencies who violate laws and deny my legal right to defend and oppose has been denied or infringed upon for monetary reasons – they will attempt to engage in illegal actions to extract money from anyone – and then they wonder why people engage in crimes and grabbing a gun….

    Idiots run this state – the ones who think they have power to play God – permitting anything and everything illegal to squeeze every penny out of anyone – except the rich….they have immunity to the state’s BS because they “pay” – just as everyone else is paid to “shut up” or “just do it”…

    We all know what’s going on – we’re not idiots….but we will stand together against these a**holes and do what they are incapable of doing – the right thing….

  7. I want to leave. I have tried so hard to make it here. I don’t want to be working class poor, I want some freedom, some hope, some stability economically.
    I don’t want to be on food stamps, if I qualify.
    I would love to have some positivity, have my work mean something, not be a slave for an overpriced tiny space.
    Like someone else said can you wonder why theres crime. Also can you wonder why working class people do drugs? Can’t afford them myself.
    Medical marjuanua and cbd oil, if I could afford it, are just escapisim that your hard work is meaningless here and will amount to nothing.
    The goverment here runs amok and its corrrupt.

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