I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Connecticut is pretty much the worst place in the entire world. You can’t throw a rock without hitting an article in the Atlantic or the Wall Street Journal about “What’s Wrong With Connecticut?”
If you listen to the comment section of every local newspaper or TV station, t’s pretty much everything.
That’s right. Connecticut is now a postapocalyptic Hellscape ruled by sentient union pensions killing every man, woman, and child with taxes, led by the monstrous Dannel Malloy, the least popular Governor in the United States.
As far as I can tell, Connecticut’s chief exports are despair and complaining about Connecticut. Everyone here is just plotting their escape, whether it’s for the glitz and glamour of New York, or the cheap warmth of South Carolina.
Nobody wants to live here, which is weird, cause I feel like I’m surrounded by people.
Sure, sure, I know that map looks like there’s people who are apparently living here of their own free will, but trust me, they want to leave. They just can’t because Malloy literally grabs the keys right out of their hands and throws it down the drain.
It’s like we somehow morphed the “thanks, Obama” concept into Malloy, except it’s not a joke. And you can tell, because Chaz and AJ on PLR started a GoFundMe to remove him, and there’s nothing funny about the Toxic Masculinity Duo.
Listen, I get it. Connecticut has real problems.
The cost of living is very high. We need to tackle a very serious, very long-term pension debt problem. We have massive wealth inequality. As US turns into more urban living, our cities struggle with systemic problems. Young people are leaving. There is going to be a painful belt-tightening.
But there’s a lot to love here, too. So let’s take a break from our Land of Steady Complaints and celebrate a few things about this state we actually, you know… like.
We’re No. 2! We’re No. 2! on the Human Development Index
If you don’t know, the Human Development Index is a way to measure the general well-being of societies using a combination of life expectancy at birth, educational attainment, and income per capita.
Granted, a lot of that income is sitting in the hedge funds of the Gold Coast, which skews the numbers. But I’m pretty sure none of those rich folks are living to 1,000, so the age expectancy thing is legit, as is education.
It turns out, folks in Connecticut are actually relatively healthy, wealthy, and educated. Which gives us a much better vocabulary for insulting our state representatives.
We need to do better, of course. Especially in our cities, where outcomes are not nearly equal.
But No. 2 is pretty good! Second place right behind Massachusetts, and I’m confident if we included Not Driving Like Assholes, we’d be No. 1.
Four Real Seasons
Yep, that’s right. Connecticut has four distinct, beautiful seasons. The winters are cold, but not vicious, and you can actually enjoy the snow, unlike the slush-filled mess that is NYC.
(Winter in NYC is gorgeous for about 3.4 seconds before the humans ruin it.)
Spring is a magnificent reprieve from winter, all cherry blossoms and blooming flowers and ugh do you have any Benadryl or what. Plus, the winter makes you appreciate finally being able to go outside and hike and enjoy the weather again.
Summer brings the Connecticut coastline, with its majesty and beaches. Sure, some of you beach snobs are all “I only go swimming in Rhode Island.” Not sure if you’ve heard, but the Atlantic Ocean is cold as hell.
Plus, I get that waves are fun, but so is lying around in the water without a care in the world.
Then, of course, there are the lobster rolls, served properly: hot and with butter. Unlike those Godless heathens in Maine (wtf is with the mayo, relax you psychopaths).
Finally, there’s lovely autumn, with its hues and tourists and the smell of firewood in the air.
“But Josh, I hate winter!” Cool, go to Florida, then. Do you know what body parts sweat during Florida summers? All of them. Florida is also full of Floridians, which is, you know… troubling.
“I’m California dreamin, Josh!” Does that mean you’re constantly stuck in traffic/on fire? Listen, if you want go down with California when the San Andreas fault finally dumps them into the ocean, by all means. I won’t stop you.
I’m just gonna chill here and wait for the Chinese global warming hoax to turn Connecticut into a retirement community.
Things Are Slowly Getting Better
Bad news sells, and boy do the news stations sell it in Connecticut. Every WTNH post on Facebook is just littered with comments from people saying, “Thanks, Malloy, I can’t wait to leave this tax-filled state!” (Though you’ll note they never actually leave.)
Connecticut has had some rough patches, but we’ve also made some great progress in terms of social justice, economic inequality, and, of course, when you can buy booze.
Here’s just a few of the laws which have changed in the last 5-10 years which I think, personally, all pretty great:
- Increased minimum wage from $7.65 to $10.10/hr
- Decriminalized marijuana
- Medical marijuana (though fairly restrictive in terms of which conditions are allowed)
- Ban the Box allows ex-convicts a chance to actually get hired and start new lives
- Second Chance Society allows former prisoners to find a healthy way back into society, especially for nonviolent crimes
- Restricted magazines which carry more than 10 cartridges as well as required universal background checks after Sandy Hook
- WE CAN ACTUALLY BUY ALCOHOL ON SUNDAYS NOW
- Seriously, what took that long?
- Connecticut has started investing heavily in tech incubators in Hartford and New Haven in order to cultivate more tech talent
- Abolition of the death penalty (I know some folks are for it, but personally, I think killing people is bad, which I know is controversial)
- Hartford Line will increase train service between New Haven, Hartford, and Springfield
These are just a few of the changes we’ve experienced over the last 10 or so years. Not bad, right?
Sure, I’d love legal weed. And I think we’ll get there. Especially given how much money we need.
(In fact, if you live in a Republican district, now would be a great time to call your state legislators and demand legalization!)
Pizza is basically the best thing in the universe and almost everyone else in the world sucks at it.
Do Something About It.
Listen. Connecticut isn’t perfect. I get that.
The Baby Boomers fucked it all up and now they won’t shut up about how terrible it is and are calling us snowflakes for some reason.
But we can make this state what we want it to be. We can help rebuild our cities. We can take pride in creating new businesses and new performance spaces.
Every other week, I host a comedy open mic in New Haven. And it’s amazing. Seeing people from across all of Connecticut get up there and make something. To create something where there was nothing.
It fills me with more joy than I can tell you. It’s a tiny thing, but it’s something I made in my community.
And you can, too.
Now is the time to stop complaining and do something.
[efb_likebox fanpage_url=”https://www.facebook.com/betweentworocks” responsive=”1″ show_faces=”1″]