In case you haven’t heard because you’ve been too busy following the MSM news with their impeachment trials and terrifying new Coronavirus strains, you might have missed an extremely important piece of news: New Haven lawmakers want to make pizza the state food of Connecticut.
(MSM is the “MainStream Media” which is us real woke people call it. We get our news from the Dark Web.)
Now, your initial reaction to this pizza news might be correct: a shrug. Okay? Sure. I love New Haven pizza. And uh, sure, there’s a few standout pies around the state. I guess our state food could be that or lobster rolls (not those cold-ass lobster salad rolls, Maine) or steamed cheeseburger (no).
Okay. Fine. Whatever. I don’t even see how it matters. Surely not something to get worked up about, right?
Yeah, this definitely seems like something important enough for the governor of New Jersey to weigh in on.
But even Stephen Colbert felt compelled to weigh in on it, telling Connecticut to “come off it.”
First of all, hilarious qiup about Connecticut country clubs! So rich. Like Stephen Colbert. And probably the two towns in Connecticut he’s been to. I get it. If you only leave New York to go to dinner parties in Greenwich, that’s probably what you think Connecticut is.
But we’re so much more than boat shoes. Like pizza and quaint old-timey shoreline towns and passive-aggressive emails and self-loathing.
New Yorkers are mean to your face. In Connecticut, you’ll hear from our lawyer.
Does This Matter
I’m sorry, is there some rule that only one state can have pizza as a state food? Did we call dibs and now suddenly Jersey is like hold on guys we were about to call dibs but we all have to buy Jeeps cause Bruce told us so.
Literally none of this matters. If you really think your pizza is that great, fine. You can also be pizza friends. There is nothing stopping you except your own self-respect.
And once you get rid of that, you can truly fly.
New York State of Mind
New York, I understand. They have every right to call themselves the capital of the pizza world. You can get a dollar slice at any strange-looking nameless pizza place and there’s a pretty good chance you’re gonna get a very good slice. That’s remarkable.
But you have so much, New York. You have the I <3 New York thing. You have Madison Square Garden and the Statue of Liberty. You have Broadway and that cool building everyone on Tinder takes a picture in front of. You have an iconic skyline and outrageous rents. You have the very best rats.
Are you really gonna jump down our throat for this? Oh, we can’t have nice things because fuck us, that’s why? No, you have to have pizza, too.
The “Empire State”? I’m sorry, I thought this was A DEMOCRACY.
I get it. You’re so special, New York. You’re where dreams are made of. No, not my miraculous BRAIN but New York.
We can’t have the Whalers, we can’t have pizza, we just have to pick the Yankees or Red Sox and get on with our lives while you come over here and buy our houses to “get away from it all.”
Calm Down, New Jersey
There’s no need to get your fists pumping over this, New Jersey.
Listen. New York I get. But really, Jersey? You think your pizza is oh-so-much-better than ours?
If we were talking about bagels, I would give it to you. Connecticut bagels are trash and it is an absolute source of shame that we should never live down. At least once a week I just start screaming about how bad Connecticut bagels are.
Let’s go check out the 101 Best Pizzas in America, shall we?
Let’s see. Oh, No. 1. Who is that? Frank Pepe’s? In New Haven, CONNECTICUT?
Huh. What about two? Oh, a Chicago pizza. Yikes. Let’s see. Number 3, New York. Number 4 oh there you are! Razza Pizza Artigianale. In Jersey City (clever name for a city btw).
Wow, Number Four! What’s below bronze? Nothing?
Let’s see more of this list… New York, New York, Connecticut, Michigan?!, Boston…
Yikes, New Jersey. There’s two more Boston pies better than anything in New Jersey? Did you just get out-pizza’ed by BOSTON MASSACHUSETTS?
But hey won’t worry the pizza at Star Tavern is only slightly worse than the pizza in… *checks notes*… Nashville, Tennessee?
Also, maybe learn to pump your own gas before you go worrying about pizza? It’s pretty complicated. You might want to give yourself some time to figure that out before you fret over pizza.
Also, pork rolls? Really?
We invented “steamed cheeseburgers” and you’re being gross.
This Means War
Listen. I didn’t start caring about this. When I first saw this news story, I just thought it was silly. I live in New Haven and I love our pizza. Modern Apizza makes me feel things. (And I refuse to say “ah-beetz.”)
I also grew up worshipping Pizza Hut so maybe we don’t need to weigh my opinion too heavily on this stuff.
But also who cares? Is this really a valuable use of legislative time? When we should be legalizing weed like all the cool kids?
Unfortunately, all of your fanatically proud New Yorkers and Jerseysians have once again picked a fight with us. Well enough is enough. We’re tired of getting kicked around. We’re tired of being the state without an identity. Are we part of the tri-state? Are we New England?
We don’t know and we’re angry about it.
Why Stop at Pizza?
Really, why should we stop at declaring pizza Connecticut’s state food? Why not really mess with New York and New Jersey?
You know what? Our state musician is Bruce Springsteen now. What are you gonna do about it? Travel here and then quarantine for 14 days and then pick a fight? Good luck holding onto that rage for 14 days.
We’ll make our own Sculpture of Freedom, and she’ll be almost TOO green. Weirdly green. Maybe it’ll even freak Philadelphia out.
France, you don’t have anything going on, right? You can help us out with this.
Behold! We are Pizza now. You will be assimilated.
Or not. Either way.