Every Kind of Weirdo You’ll Meet in New Haven

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Redbean Downtown Hipsters
Source: Creative Commons

One of the reasons I love New Haven is its diversity. Not only is New Haven the most representative example of America, but we have literally every kind of weirdo you can imagine.

Elbow-patched Yalies? Oh yeah. Punk rock townies? Absolutely. Publicly intoxicated drunks rambling about the government? Definitely.

Drunk Kermit
Goddamnit, Kermit, get it together, man.

Unlike New York City, where they shovel poor people into the Hudson River, probably, New Haven doesn’t just hide its problems. Oh, no. Our problems are right there for everybody to see.

But that’s just part of the wonder of New Haven. So let me introduce you to all of the strange, wonderful, terrible, amazing people you’ll meet in New Haven.

Disclaimer: This is meant to be humorous and not at all inclusive of the many, many different types of people who live in New Haven, so just delete that angry email draft right now.

The Hipster Townie

The Hipster Townie has several large tattoos, probably on their thighs. Their jean jackets are covered in patches with obscure bands and enamel pins describing exactly how they feel about you: Not great.

Hipsters
“Don’t even talk to me if you don’t have the new Sufjan Stevens album.”

They are the anti-Yalie. They resent Yale and generally anything Yale does. They drink PBR, both to save money and because hey, man, it’s the working class beer.

Found at: Three Sheets, Firehouse 12, a DIY house party that will probably end in a fire.

The Inside-the-Bubble Yalie

They didn’t get into Harvard and they’re fucking pissed off about it.

They resent New Haven and see it as a trash city simply because it’s full of and smells like trash.

Garbage
What’s under 900 Chapel St, from the smell of it.

These people are here for exactly four years (maybe longer cause of med school UGH), but they can’t wait to get out. They might sign up for a local organization to pad their resume, but don’t bother talking to them if you aren’t also counting down the seconds until you can leave New Haven.

They wear almost exclusively Yale outfits and look like they’d drug you if you didn’t have that disgusting thigh tattoo.

Troy and Abed
Callback!

Their typical response to finding out you’re a townie is, “You’re FROM here?!”

Usually Found At: GPSCY, Blue State Coffee, Tinder because they do have basic human needs

The Actually Just a Decent Person Yalie

There’s actually a bunch of Yalies who are not totally rich or conceited and totally like New Haven and want to be a part of it.

A lot of these folks are totally great and we make friends with them and those friendships blossom into four-year Rent-a-Friendships before they go on to find jobs at whatever city they’re from or somewhere more exciting (NY, probably).

Anaya Sushi
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A few actually stay here to build something, just like Caroline Smith, the first guest on the B2R Podcast.

Usually Found At: Bradley St Bicycle Co-Op, Getting Way Too Involved in Local Alder Meetings

Super-Friendly Homeless Guy With Great Backstory

There’s a few very familiar faces who wander around downtown. For whatever reason, they are down on their luck and tend to either panhandle or just chill around downtown. Most of them are very chill. They don’t bother anybody, all the locals know them.

Roger
Roger’s an awesome dude (though apparently not homeless, my sources tell me).
Photo courtesy Chris Randall, ilovenewhaven.org

If they do ask for money at all, it’s usually with a polite sign and they tend to hang at the same spots and even say “God Bless You” when you acknowledge them, which, granted, is just using your guilt, but whatever. Could be worse.

Usually Found At: The Green, Wandering Downtown

Super Unfriendly or Angry Panhandler With Made-Up Story

On the flip side, someone is going to say “hey sir can I ask you a question” and no matter what the next five sentences are, it’s going to end in a requirement of money, typically for a bus pass to get back to <Insert Destination Here>.

Giant check
“You’ve actually won a million dollars!”

Even if you do give them a buck, often they’ll end up demanding more, and then try the same thing on you tomorrow.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t give them money. They probably need it more than you or me. Nor do I want to dismiss whatever they’re going through. But boy getting yelled at by a guy who you gave money to yesterday is certainly not the most pleasant experience.

Usually Found At: Also the Green/Downtown, but Typically at Night, Accosting Pub Drinkers

Forty Year Resident Who’s Seen This Shit Before

These people have been in New Haven for several decades. They’ve seen the good and the bad. Mostly bad.

They saw the “revitalization” of downtown and how that turned into an ugly highway. They know this latest newfangled urban revitalization will probably come crashing down any week now.

Abandoned City
New Haven in 2019, probably.

They remember bars you’ve never heard of, which they fondly recall despite that fact they mostly sold disgusting light beer and used to beat people up in the streets.

Usually Found At: The New Haven Independent Comments Section, Whatever Bar Is At Regal Beagle

The Pub Goon

These people are often seen sporting their favorite European football club (soccer to us filthy Americans) to bars, restaurants, funerals, you name it.

Soccer fans
Look at these idiots! Except for the weirdly handsome guy 2nd from the left.

They drink in the mornings while their teams play. They drink in the evenings because that’s what evenings are for. Do bars even close for them? Nobody knows.

They’re a sub-set of townies, but they’re definitely not hipsters, though they do chain smoke like hipsters.

Found at: Christy’s, cause every other Irish pub burned down or closed shop.

The Quinnipiac/Southern Party Animal

Is it 4 degrees out, but somehow this girl on College St is wearing the smallest, tightest dress you’ve ever seen, and she’s flanked by a guy in shorts and a tank top?

They’re not Yalies. They may not even be New Haven residents. But in some sort of weird reverse bus segregation phenomenon, they’re actually bused in from nearby Quinnipiac (Hamden) and Southern Connecticut State University (New Haven — barely).

They’re going to go line up outside Brother Jimmy’s or Vanity for reasons that are totally beyond your grasp, and you’re just going to want to fetch them a coat, but it’s best not to make direct eye contact, lest you been vomited upon.

Vanity Line
Yep. These folks are waiting in line to get into Vanity.

Found at: Brother Jimmy’s, Vanity, shouting “woo” random street corners.

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Thanks for reading, folks! While you’re here, why not check out the B2R Podcast! We had a lot of fun with Collaboratory’s Caroline Smith and my co-host, Colin Ryan.

Next episode, we interview Trinity co-owner Eddie Higgins, along with my co-host, Dave Form.

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20 COMMENTS

  1. Bahahaha this is so funny – I’m so glad we’ve found your blog – This is top notch content for any New Haven Local to chuckle at during the day at work.

    I always find a very hard time trusting those asking for money, so as an altruist (and a broke millennial that still lives home with his parents), as much as I want to help – it puts me in a weird position- the best thing to do is just go buy some food or something for them – I dunno – not saying I have the answer but I don’t know how else to help properly.

  2. I am from New Haven and the picture of the landfill is not located at 900 Chapel Street. Please tell your story correct. New Haven does not have a weird smell. I love this city, as I was born and raised in New Haven.

    • I’m sorry to hear that, Andrea. I assure you it was meant in good humor. I used to live in the 900 Chapel building and it would sometimes small like garbage — mostly cause of the underground situation, I believe, so the humor is based on that premise. I’m sorry you did not find the article humorous, but alas, humor is a relative thing, and quite a few people did enjoy it. Can’t please everyone!

  3. I am from New Haven and the picture of the landfill is not located at 900 Chapel Street. Please tell your story correct. New Haven does not have a weird smell. I love this city, as I was born and raised in New Haven. I quite frankly do not find this article humerous.

  4. There is more to New Haven than Yale. We have two of the states greatest high School football and basketball team. We are racially diverse. We have ethic food, not just Chinese. This report of New Haven is very shallow and tells about the 1% instead of including all the greatest things including the Black, Hispanic and other minority community. The new magnet school buildings and street art. Etc.

    You don’t know New Haven, you know Yale.

    • I don’t even know Yale! I went to UConn, and I’ve only lived in New Haven for 7 years!

      You are right, though, that I only know a tiny part of New Haven. I am always looking for more voices in New Haven and am happy to share those voices, from all communities, if you’re willing. I can, however, only speak to my own personal experience, and it would be inauthentic of me to pretend to speak for anybody else.

      Also please bear in mind that this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek and humorous, not an accurate reflection of actual representation of New Haven. Which I felt I did remark in the article.

    • I’m sorry to hear you feel that way. I am fully aware that not all Yale students were turned down by Harvard — that’s the fun of humor. You’re making fun of things that may or may not be true. I’m sorry to hear you didn’t enjoy it, but thanks for reading anyway and letting me know I’m not funny.

      • Well I think you’re hilarious and your writing is witty. It’s a penned caricature of the city meant to humor. Gently ignore anyone that takes it or themselves too seriously.

        (I should point out that you misspelled won in the check caption or was that on purpose? ) 😉

        • Aw, thanks, I appreciate that. I’m glad someone got the joke at least. 🙂

          And no the misspelling was not intentional, thanks for catching that! It turns out I’m not a great editor.

  5. Lol. I enjoyed the humor! I grew up in New Haven & I’m aware of all the ppl described in your article. I have an eternal love for New Haven & I’m hopeful for it’s future. You forgot to mention all our hard working Latin community. (Mexican, Guatemala, others) who drink beer by night & cook & clean in every restaurant in New Haven by day. Without them, all the New Haven eateries would be closed for sure! I give much respect to anyone who comes to USA & wants to work. Instead of Americans who’d rather not work & panhandle. Didn’t mean to get serious… Just figured you missed some of “Our” ppl in the wonderful city! Keep up the humor! Loved it!

  6. I’m very disappointed. You forgot the young urban professionals who work at local law firms you’ve never heard of, and somehow seem to visit each and every bar in town every night, even though the last time you asked them, they said “I’ve been in this place for hours.” May buy you a drink if you make eye contact, but will force you to listen to a story about some crazy case they’re working on. Found at: [insert Bar’s name here, but especially Christopher Martin’s, Cast Iron Chef, Beer Collective, Archie’s, and Contois].

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