Shiru Cafe, New Haven’s newest and most exclusive cafe, opened last week at 174 College Street with a unique business model: College students can relax and drink free beverages in exchange for access to their personal data and organs.

Non-college students? You’ll just have to keep selling your organs on the black market for Bitcoin.

Shiru Cafe owner Takomoto Yakuza, in an exclusive interview with Between Two Rocks, noted the unique business model: “Shiru Cafe provides a one-of-a-kind experience for college students. Why spend your precious beer money on coffee when you can simply trade away every detail of your personal life and white blood cell count to corporations in a hopeless desire for employment?”

Takomoto’s eyes gleamed. “Besides, can you imagine what people will pay for an Ivy League Pancreas?”

Money Pancreas
This is why I purchased Photoshop.

The cafe does not serve members of the public, no matter how many pie charts and graphs they bring of their terrific cholesterol levels and yes I run.

I asked Takomoto if students from local colleges such as the University of New Haven, Albertus Magnus, and Southern Connecticut State University would be allowed.

A look of disgust scrunched up his face. “Legally… I guess.”

Red Cross Fuming

Red Cross Connecticut Director Kurt Goodblud was furious. “We were the ORIGINAL harvesters of human blood and now any moron with an espresso machine and a bathtub of ice can do it? You think we don’t want that sweet, sweet Ivy Blood?”

He continued, “How the hell are we supposed to compete with free machiattos? How am I gonna convince someone to give us their precious blood for $5 off at Lake Compounce? Lake Compounce sucks! Seriously, who builds a new wooden coaster. Steel or nothing morons.”

Lake Compounce
Not pictured: A good time

Goodblud stated the Red Cross would continue with their old strategy of calling you until you just give in like some fedora-wearing incel.

Townies React

Once again, New Haven residents felt gated out from another part of New Haven exclusive to college students.

Joe Larson, local artist and semi-employed ukulele player sneered, “What, my organs aren’t good enough? I can strum this ukulele like hell, and you’re telling me these blessed fingers ain’t worth a latte?”

As you can see from the very scientific-looking chart below, clearly not.

Human Body Organs by Cost
Boy the internet is great isn’t it?

Yale HR employee Heather Watts also offered her opinion.

“It’s fucking stupid. I swear Yalies would trade away their kidneys if someone offered them a free Yale t-shirt. Is a free coffee really worth giving up all your personal data and spleen?”

Local Yalies could not be pried from their Macbooks long enough to give comment.

Students with laptops
Fun fact: None of these students have a working pancreas

Shiru’s unorthodox business model has really changed the game, and local businesses are scrambling to catch up.

Mory’s Considers the Possibilities?

Mory’s owner Hunter Penningworth IV pondered, “I didn’t even realize this was a legal possibility. Do you think we could actually exclude people by… other traits?”

I asked Mr. Penningworth IV what he meant by that.

“Oh, you know.”

Like hipsters? Or just people who appreciate the fine deals afforded by Rendezvous?

At this point, Mr. Penningworth IV re-inserted his monocle, which I know means: conversation over.

Fancy old timey lad
Can’t we just go back to the day where people properly wore clothes?

College Street Music Hall Wants In

College Street Music Hall, which is so good at losing money they no longer need the District Ballroom music venue, considered what else patrons might consent to.

General Manager Mina Zoric mused, “Wouldn’t it be great if instead of this stupid Yonder pouches we could inject a small poison into each patron and then any time they attempted to record the set with their cell phone, the poison would kill them?”

Actually, uh, that’s a pretty great idea.

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